i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
