And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
