when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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