He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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