One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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