when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
