your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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