I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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