That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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