My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
