his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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