I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
