yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
