the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
