don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
