i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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