woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
