In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
True but thats because hes a fetus.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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