In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
