Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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