Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
