When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize