OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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