Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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