WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
