ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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