I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
