the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
