i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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