I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
