I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize