**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
