4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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