I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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