also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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