K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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