you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
me + whiskey = a bad person
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
