theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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