You really coming over, don't trick.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
