don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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