I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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