Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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