Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
