you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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