I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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