Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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