i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
