a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
