I wish life had little blips of pornography
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
