I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
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