As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
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