The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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